The Israeli Diet Part 1

11 Chevshan Chronicles of an Almost Israeli Diary

I’ve been in Israel 17 weeks and I have lost 26 pounds. That’s right. But why am I not celebrating in kilograms? Frankly, to the untrained or even the trained ear, 26 pounds is a far greater sounding accomplishment than 11.7 kilos. Like in kilos you’ve got to hold on and hold on tight to those percentage points- they mean something. They are far more than just the pennies of the metric weight system.

Israelis can count in kilos because they don’t need vanity. They are just the most beautiful people on the planet. I’d say “better looking than Gd intended” because that would be an apt literary tool, but we are in Israel. They are Jews. This is actually how Gd intended it! Israeli natives are just the Ferrari Monza SP1 of Gds creatures- beautiful and sleek with a luxury performance that was created on a very very limited run.

For us wanna-bees who may live here or aspire to live here and realize we will always be more Ford Camry that Ferrari of any model….. look… I know many of you read my letters to possibly think about and dream about and maybe even do the big move. B’emet, for reals man, just jump…Aliyah. Do it! And to not overwhelm you but I feel it’s my obligation in this public service of face creams and bomb baskets to continue to be totally and authentically transparent. So I have to tell you that living up to the Israelis is work. It just is. If you are, say just as a hypothetical, a 54 year old white white white Ashkenazi American woman who maybe has had a few kids, took a few knocks in the hospital, and you want to not stand out on the bus like a, well, y’know.. 54 year old white white white Ashkenazi, et cetera et cetera…it will take time, effort, investment and a real dedication.

Like hair removal. (Gentlemen, don’t turn away, you too.) There are many many products and in reality you will find the best mix of utensils and a schedule that works with what will be your otherwise very busy look-like-an-Israeli routine. The never ever long and short of it is this… when you told yourself in college that it didn’t really matter if your legs were shaved no one would notice? That was a lie. In Israel. No hair. Make it happen. What? (palms turned upwards to the sky) No problem.

Secondly, don’t get a car if you can absolutely positively avoid it. And even then there are many ways to rent a car by the hour, by the day or by the month (and there are other reasons to do this because until you have all the right paperwork, specialized training and the secret handshake, you can not pump your own gas here in Israel. And this is very connected to the issue of therefore renting a car versus buying one, but don’t ask me to explain it. It’s not covered in the Duolingo curriculum.)

So just walk everywhere. For everything. All the time. Get a Granny cart. Sure it’s embarrassing at first, but just go with the flow, everyone’s got one.

Following these directives, I walk 2-10 kilometers a day. But when you start to become a walker like me, don’t mention it. Not because mentioning it is unnecessarily showy, which of course it is, but because it is just not impressive. Like this,

ME: Oh yeah, I walk to the third beach down, past the city, into the other one, past the club, yeah to the tiki bar sometimes. Then back. That’s like 5 kilometers in one day.

ISRAELI (with a look like she just smelled something really unpleasant) : Yes, that’s my short walk when it’s raining, you know like how you say…. “typhoon,” then I do short walk. But kol hakavod you’re doing great.

Don’t be discouraged, walk a lot anyway; start walking off those pounds like I have, and one day we both may count in kilograms. You also should follow my Israeli diet because there are only three sizes of women’s dresses in Israel: 1, 2 and 3. For comparison to Western Sizes: Three is the largest and that’s like an American petite small. The Israeli two is a little smaller and that’s like a European Junior model extra small. And then Size One, the size that most of your average don’t-hate-me-because-I’m-far-more-beautiful-than-you-thought-possible Israeli women wear, that’s like a Preemie size. As if a woman became a woman, maybe had a couple of kids, grew in every way except, you know, every way that impacts her clothing size.

(If you are already hyperventilating, do not worry- there are stores for other non-Israelis who do not share the dimensions of the original not politically correct Barbie doll. If you’re looking for anything above an American say size 6, however, I would sort of equally avoid all of the French clothing stores as the French in Israel continue to be excessively posh and skinny. However, the Russian stores, there you can find, in every single imaginable color, one size actually does fit-all the way a super size black utility garbage bag holds all trash, house dress. Just like your granny used to wear! And, yes, you can match your house dress to your Granny cart! Zip up the front. Big pattern that did not even work for the 1970’s kitchen wallpapers, and a fabric that, well, calling it “fabric” may be generous..Don’t worry. We won’t let you go naked. We got you.)

Now you are following the basics and walking, a good foundation, next you need to get sporty. You must get sporty as soon as possible. Pick one or a few favorites and work around those basics. And don’t you fret, Israel will make it so convenient for you to do your asportif of choice that pretty much you will always know that all personal delusions aka excuses will wither away before getting out of your mouth in any language because the ability to exercise will be around you on every corner.

And here’s where it gets really weird: you’ll like it. I’m telling you, I almost did not graduate (with highest academic honors mind you) from university because I was so anti-sport that in my first three and a half years as a student I had not taken the required single gym class. It was a double credit yoga class that saved my entire academic career. I am actually the least sporty, least athletic, previously very proud of being a high earning couch potato as there was. And now- I swim in the sea almost every day. I walk (without bragging to avoid embarrassment) 2, 4, 6, 8 kilometers a day. And I look forward to it. I don’t know, could be I’ve been drugged? It’s possible.

Here are a list of some of the acceptable sports to build into your schedule all the time. When I say “all the time” I mean that if you have to be bothered with, say, working for a living, then have in mind that this paying work is really only you taking a quick break from sport to do say manual labor or fine, if you’re a brain surgeon go do that. But anything else that you are doing is an “in between” how you actually will spend your time in Sport.

Here are some acceptable kinds of Sport:

• The water sports- swimming (in a pool and/or in the sea), surfing, sailing, parasailing, jet skiing, scuba diving, snorkeling

• The individual land sports- biking, hiking, running, yoga, weight lifting,

• The small team sports- tennis, matkot, beach ping pong,

• Team sports- football (soccer), rugby, volleyball….you get the drift…

We’ll get into each of these over time as they form important pillars of Israeli society (maktok players on the beach…sigh….such beautiful sites to behold….) For today’s purposes just know there are many options and that every neighborhood has infrastructure to enable you to sport and most neighbors will support you being sporty in the most direct completely judgemental ways.

So now that your sporty, let me give you the fundamentals of an Israeli diet that will enable you too to drop pounds so fast you’d think it was decimal points of kilograms (is that just a gram, no it’s 1,000 grams to a kilo, so the first decimal would be 100 grams, but what would be one gram…mind bending I’m telling you the metric system another language I have to learn, and one that actually everyone else uses in the world except the United States, Liberia and Myanmar? And where on earth is Myanmar?) Whatever, let’s get to food:

First and foremost meals are all about the produce. Now we’re getting into being almost Israeli on the way to being able to buy the greatest 50 shekel dresses ever (that’s about $13 a dress and I have some fantastic ones!). There is a lot a lot a lot to consider about produce. Constantly be asking yourself where and when to buy the right produce. If purchased on the right day from the optimal vendor with the right level of humidity and direction of the wind, you too will come home with the greatest poduce of your entire life. Your entire life. If you fail at this, and find yourself with just an average looking tomato that you could have bought at any Walmart grocery store, you will have given yourself away as not yet and possibly never ever really Israeli.

In Israel produce matters a lot, the country was literally built on our farms and farming techniques. The abundance of produce represents to Israelis the ultimate self sufficiency: you go to Israeli open markets (the shuk) to buy Israeli grown produce from Israeli vendors moved to your backyard by Israeli truck drivers who almost all are veterans or current reservist of the Israeli citizen army. Food shopping is a sacred, patriotic duty.

Plus, every meal has tomatoes and cucumbers. No. Shh. Don’t argue. Every meal. Tomatoes and cucumbers. With salt and fresh squeezed lemon juice. That is salad. No. Nothing else. That is salad and that is to be served at every meal. With a fresh tomato and a fresh cucumber. Ok, you can optionally add one or multiple fresh herbs. Fresh herbs are for sale everywhere including the convenience store, just look next to the cigarettes. The basics are mint, parsley, cilantro. You may add those. And you may possibly add thinly sliced long hot peppers. Now that’s it. That’s the salad.

So if you’re having the tomatoes and cucumbers at every meal, they better be great every time. Plus you start building every meal around raw vegetables first which makes you healthier as a side benefit.

Your proteins also end up being the healthiest. If you eat meat, you will have often the original protein of the kibbutzniks where they took the notion of breaded veal cutlets from the Old Country and substituted this with turkey (later also chicken) to make the ubiquitous schnitzel. For this and many other mysteries to which I am not yet privy being nearly but not yet Israeli, the meat counter at my local super Mega does not always have meat. Or chicken. Or turkey. But if I have to place a bet on what I may find at the fresh wartime meat counter it will be chicken breasts. Gorgeous. Thick. Sliced into thin cutlets. All kinds. And inexpensive. I can get four beautiful fresh and large chicken cutlets for 42 shekels. So financially you’re also incentivized to eat well.

Israel also has the most vegans per capita (5%) of anywhere in the world. And if you’re into food tech, check out what they’re doing out of the Negev. There is no small irony that the most delicious vegan food products that are and will continue to be available to progressive college students will be coming out of the genius labs of Israeli Jews. But, we’re putting politics aside today…..

So it is politically neutral and correct to point out that with the increase of vegan companies, there are many inexpensive non meat protein options on Israeli shelves.

And then there are the dairy products. First, this country was clearly not built on Ashkenazi weak lactose intolerant stomachs. Oh no, these are Sephardi Jews, they can just down all the lactose they want. And if you have an aski stomach like mine you too may have to watch how much you indulge in the world’s greatest yogurts and leban and cheeses, oh-my-goodness, the cheeses! Look, I’ve eaten my way through Paris and done a grand job of it. I love French cheeses. But I’m telling you, there is magic in the most inexpensive basic cheeses in Israel.

The Israeli dairy industry put all of their energy into making the products that they lost their creativity in naming them. So I haven’t quite figured out the system yet, but basically you have the cheese name (white cheese or Europe cheese, or cheesy cheese for real life examples) and then you have a percentage. I do not know what the percentage is about, but when a person is able to correctly understand the physics of it all they understand why 1.5% in big letters on the bio yogurt is somehow better but is 29% on white cheese more optimal than the 19% cheese? And why are they priced up to 10 shekels differently? Is a higher percentage more or less expensive? And do not ever try to figure out a median cost in Israel of cottage cheese. Just don’t. It’s complicated.

So, okay, I haven’t quite figured out the secret processes to selecting the best cheese. But when I open a package and it turns out to be the greatest cheese I could ever have imagined to go with that exact wind temperature. It’s magic. That’s all I’m saying. Magic meals.

And then in the magic of the walking and sporting and produce selection and best protein eating…..the pounds just melt away.

And soon you and I will be comparing kilograms. Because, that’s right, we’re very nearly almost Israeli.

XO